I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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