I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You made out with two different species that night
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
