you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
