Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
