Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
