My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
