Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
