when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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