ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
