Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
