i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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