He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
