my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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