Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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