I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
