mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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