I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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