I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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