tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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