you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
