i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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