Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
