I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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