On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
