I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
