Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
