FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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