Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
