I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
