Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
