I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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