Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
