Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize