He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
