Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
