I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
