he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
