I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
