she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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