I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
