Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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