Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
