I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
