I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize