420 ftw
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
