Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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