ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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