It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
