im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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