I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
