You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
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