just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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