I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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