my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
