around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
