I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
