I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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