you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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