mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
